That is the first? I fear for my life at the second.
[ Sidony is less concerned about her marriage and more the publicity of her preferences - it is something that has taken some time for her to adjust to. There's a pause as she lets herself consider it, a little knot of tension in her stomach.
When she speaks, her voice is quiet. ]
Only a few people in Riftwatch know where my... Preferences are. I've not spoken much of it publicly.
[ Adrasteia listens. She can't claim to understand; no one has cared what her preferences might be, but she's never been in the same position as Sidony. Expected to marry, have children, carry on a familial legacy. She's also never been human, or from a wealthy family. But she is compassionate about the people she cares for, and she cares for Sidony more than most. ]
Do you wish for it to remain that way?
[ Seems like an important thing to know. ]
That is not the second question I originally had in mind, I'm sorry.
[ She sighs softly. It’s a difficult subject and not one she had to deal with in her last entanglement - where feelings beyond simply desire weren’t involved. It takes her a moment only because she does wish to be honest, because she does care. Deeply. ]
I am less concerned now. My parents have little authority over me as it stands and those who matter most know. Byerly has known before I was secure in the notion and has been most supportive.
[ Her voice is softer now, gentle. ]
You have no apologies to make to me. I assure you.
[ She's glad that Sidony has had such a husband. She may not understand why he cares for himself so poorly, but she cannot claim he has been a bad husband to this woman she cares profoundly for. ]
I can only imagine how difficult it is, knowing you feel one way about what you want and the future, while the family that would enact upon your life feel the opposite. Or don't care what your feelings are on the matter at all.
[ Adrasteia sighs. ]
I have one more question pertaining to this topic and then we can speak of other things.
Oh, no. I was never permitted something as base as feelings, my darling. Those were resolved for my brother, gifted with magic and made for the best my mother could offer. I was designed for political pursuit through marriage and no else.
[ And now she is here, free and content. She has the dearest of friends and her heart is quite surely being stolen.
There is more to say and tell - her almost kidnapping, how she and Byerly even met - but that is for another time.]
Spend the night? If you like. I can find some wine and an extra blanket.
[ Adrasteia sucks her teeth in dismay. Her parents may have been poorer than dirt but they didn't care who she cared for, or loved. They allowed her feelings. ]
I'm glad you're here. For more than just the selfish reasons.
[ There's a softness in her voice after that. ]
I would like that. We haven't, yet. Spent the night together.
[ A breath. ]
And now onto other topics: do you know a Rifter named Abby?
[ For each person that recognises her upbringing as normal there’s another who sees it as cruel and unkind. Sidony isn’t sure which camp she sits in any longer; there has been enough time between childhood and now that she dares not think on it too long.
The softness is mirrored - something tender and gentle echoing between them. ]
I am glad as well, if only so that we might have met. Please come, as soon as you’re able. I find myself overcome with the need to see you.
[ Among other things. But at least this is all something she can better manage. ]
It would be the most terrible fate for the two of us, to be sure.
[ It makes her pause, though. Children... Feel beyond her, somehow, some realm she had never considered because it was a role that was not best suited for her. Being a lady, a wife, motherhood - in all of it she only found failings.
[ She hears the pause. Adrasteia knows, in a way, that Sidony's familial expectations to produce an heir are heavy on her shoulders, and not at all aligned with what she wants for herself.
And yet. ]
Before I became a Warden I wished to be a mother. Sometimes I wonder about... raising children despite my not-so-long life expectations at this point.
Not without my share of upset, but those were the children I would be forced to have, not those I would choose.
[ The idea of birthing some old man's child would fill few with glee, she's sure. There is a difference between choosing motherhood and being a breed mare. ]
I suspect that any interaction I have with Abby could not really be called 'raising'; the girl is likely an adult by the standards of wherever she comes from.
[ There's the audio equivalent of a shrug. ]
Do you know what the Ambassador's plans are? I imagine Riftwatch will continue to exist, in some capacity or another, at least for a while.
[ It makes her easy enough to track, so Sidony knows when to be ready to answer the door. ]
End our marriage? I am uncertain. It does offer a certain kind of protection that cannot be found otherwise, but it is hardly a true marriage, nor one of romantic love.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Sidony is less concerned about her marriage and more the publicity of her preferences - it is something that has taken some time for her to adjust to. There's a pause as she lets herself consider it, a little knot of tension in her stomach.
When she speaks, her voice is quiet. ]
Only a few people in Riftwatch know where my... Preferences are. I've not spoken much of it publicly.
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[ Adrasteia listens. She can't claim to understand; no one has cared what her preferences might be, but she's never been in the same position as Sidony. Expected to marry, have children, carry on a familial legacy. She's also never been human, or from a wealthy family. But she is compassionate about the people she cares for, and she cares for Sidony more than most. ]
Do you wish for it to remain that way?
[ Seems like an important thing to know. ]
That is not the second question I originally had in mind, I'm sorry.
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[ She sighs softly. It’s a difficult subject and not one she had to deal with in her last entanglement - where feelings beyond simply desire weren’t involved. It takes her a moment only because she does wish to be honest, because she does care. Deeply. ]
I am less concerned now. My parents have little authority over me as it stands and those who matter most know. Byerly has known before I was secure in the notion and has been most supportive.
[ Her voice is softer now, gentle. ]
You have no apologies to make to me. I assure you.
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[ She's glad that Sidony has had such a husband. She may not understand why he cares for himself so poorly, but she cannot claim he has been a bad husband to this woman she cares profoundly for. ]
I can only imagine how difficult it is, knowing you feel one way about what you want and the future, while the family that would enact upon your life feel the opposite. Or don't care what your feelings are on the matter at all.
[ Adrasteia sighs. ]
I have one more question pertaining to this topic and then we can speak of other things.
Would you like me to come and spend the night?
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[ And now she is here, free and content. She has the dearest of friends and her heart is quite surely being stolen.
There is more to say and tell - her almost kidnapping, how she and Byerly even met - but that is for another time.]
Spend the night? If you like. I can find some wine and an extra blanket.
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I'm glad you're here. For more than just the selfish reasons.
[ There's a softness in her voice after that. ]
I would like that. We haven't, yet. Spent the night together.
[ A breath. ]
And now onto other topics: do you know a Rifter named Abby?
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The softness is mirrored - something tender and gentle echoing between them. ]
I am glad as well, if only so that we might have met. Please come, as soon as you’re able. I find myself overcome with the need to see you.
[ Among other things. But at least this is all something she can better manage. ]
Abby? Yes, I’m aware of her. Strong, tall woman?
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[ Fortunately, Adrasteia is mostly packed at any given moment. It's just a matter of cloak and gloves and then... she's off. ]
Yes. Lovely, really. I just loaned her a book at the bonfire.
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[ It's a gentle tease; Sidony sleeps alone, as she oft has, but she would be happy to have her partner with her all the same. ]
IS there are particular reason you mention her?
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No, not really. I only wished to know if you knew of her, or were close. I like her a lot. She... well.
She makes me wonder what children of my own would have been like by now.
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[ It makes her pause, though. Children... Feel beyond her, somehow, some realm she had never considered because it was a role that was not best suited for her. Being a lady, a wife, motherhood - in all of it she only found failings.
Hesitantly - ]
How so?
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[ She hears the pause. Adrasteia knows, in a way, that Sidony's familial expectations to produce an heir are heavy on her shoulders, and not at all aligned with what she wants for herself.
And yet. ]
Before I became a Warden I wished to be a mother. Sometimes I wonder about... raising children despite my not-so-long life expectations at this point.
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There is nothing stopping you doing so.
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[ The idea of birthing some old man's child would fill few with glee, she's sure. There is a difference between choosing motherhood and being a breed mare. ]
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[ The idea of being forced to marry and have children when one doesn't wish to do either would fill any woman with trepidation, Adrasteia is sure. ]
But tell me, as I make my way to the ferry — what do you want from the future for yourself? Once the war is over.
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[ She settles down, fiddling idly with a sheet of parchment as she thinks. ]
I'd like to continue my work. Perhaps learn more in Nevarra, but that may depend on outside factors. I am still married.
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[ There's the audio equivalent of a shrug. ]
Do you know what the Ambassador's plans are? I imagine Riftwatch will continue to exist, in some capacity or another, at least for a while.
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[ Arms. ]
But all the same... No, I've no clue. I'm certain he would be content to dismiss my wifely duties, however, should I wish it.
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[ Arms, definitely.
The sounds around Adrasteia change. She's gone from in the tower, to outside, to now at the ferry awaiting its arrival. ]
Do you think you'd want to?
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End our marriage? I am uncertain. It does offer a certain kind of protection that cannot be found otherwise, but it is hardly a true marriage, nor one of romantic love.
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So I wouldn't discount it as such.
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Adrasteia imagines not, but. She's also not going to ask. Not right now, anyway. ]
He's lucky to have you.
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[ Then, in a softer voice - ]
As lucky as I am to have you, also.
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